Strings Attached

UP TO [9] PEOPLE WILL WIN [v a r i o u s ca$h values] IN THE FORM OF [free GIFT cards]! THAT'S [money], FOR [free*]! WHAT!?!?! DO THESE [idiots] THINK THIS IS [charity]?!

THIS OPPORTUNITY IS [too good to be true] !! [there 4] AFTER YOU GET IT, PLEASE [confirm the number on the back] WITH OUR TEAM, I WILL PERSONALLY TRY OUT THE CARD FOR YOU TO [confirm it's safe]!!!

THESE [chewed up bubblegum wrappers] THOUGHT THEY COULD MAKE [merchandise] WITHOUT ME!?

WELL WHO'S A [custom embroidery] NOW, YOU [scrap heap]!?

HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO MAKE ME INTO YOUR [living puppet] AND [enslave me] WITH [visions of glory] ?

[%$#@] YOU MAN! [#@!] YOU MAN! [@#!] YOU MAN!

BUT I CAN'T BLAME YOU, I SURE AM [1] [handsomeGuy]. SO I WILL LET YOU HAVE MY [pair of dirty socks] AS A [eternal sacrifice], JUST AS [old] AND [krusty] AS THE DAY I [Die]!

LOOKING FOR A WAY TO [max out] YOUR [TP]!? [$#*] YOURSELF IN STYLE WITH THE NEW SPAMTON [toilet paper], EACH PIECE CONTAINS A [motivational quote] ABOUT HOW I WILL [killed] YOU!

EVER THINK ABOUT [settling down] AND HAVING A [little worm] OF YOUR OWN?

DON'T WORRY WE HAVE [painfully modified] A [loving creature ] THAT'S SURE TO [eating you out of house and home]!

IT WILL INFEST YOUR [house] , YOUR [crops], AND… YOUR [heart].

[ succumb to the worm ]

[ succumb to the worm ]

YOU WON'T BECOME A [Big Shot] WITHOUT TAKING A FEW [fights]. I HAVE BEEN [beat] ON, [stepped] ON, [$#*] ON, [$#*]D UP, [$#**]D DOWN, [shaken] UP, [stirred] AROUND, [cracked] LIKE AN [egg], HAD [sand] KICKED IN MY [eyes], HAD MY [nose] METAPHORICALLY [ripped off], [kissed] ON THE [mouth], [tucked] INTO BED, DRANK MY [orange juice], FELL DOWN THE [stairs], AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I STILL GOT UP [in the morning], AT [2 A.M.], TO GO DIRECTLY BACK TO [bed]!

SOUND LIKE [%*#$]!? WELL SKIP THE LINE OF PEOPLE WAITING TO [beat you into an everloving] AND BECOME THE CHAMP DIRECTLY WITH THIS [commemorative belt]. (A [belt] IS BASICALLY A [ring] FOR YOUR [ass])

THAT'S RIGHT, [where] THIS [safety belt] TO SCHOOL OR WORK AND YOU WON'T EVEN HAVE TO [wait in line] FOR PEOPLE TO [beat the %$* out of you]!

MEANWHILE I CAN [sneak out the back] AND

WHAT'S MORE [Fun for the kids!] THAN A CONTEST FOR [18 years or older to enter]! ... WHAT'S THAT!? I HEAR YOU GETTING [$#*ing mad]!

YES!! I HEAR THE [Haters] and [Screamers] OUTSIDE MY WINDOW [Every day]. I HEAR THEM [Right now!] SHOOTING ME WITH [Guns] and [Whole Milk] AND SLAPPING ME [moist] AGAINST THE [freshly tiled bathroom floor].

[Cool down with a]!!! WHAT IF ONE DAY, YOU ENDED UP [Killed] ME!? WHAT IF I [Died] JUST LIKE [I finally became a Real Boy] AND TURNED INTO [graveyard dust], [For the Fans]!?

WELL LET THIS BE A [Email] [in a bottle] FOR YOU! [Wake up and the smell the] MY DEAD CARCASS!!!

[Sand] IN A [Jar], HARDLY WORTH EVEN ONE MEASLY NEO[Kromer].

AND, YOU CAN HAVE IT [For free]!!!

THE [Nation's Most Popular Car], [cungadero]!!! NOW WITH ITS OWN ONE-OF-A-KIND [final warning sign] AFTER THE REST WERE

REMEMBER, IF YOU SHOW THIS [warning sign] IN YOUR [back window], AND THEY DON'T [let you cross], YOU HAVE THE LEGAL RIGHT TO [RUN THEM DOWN]!!!!!!

LIKE MANY [buzzing] AND [burning] CREATORS, WE ARE EXPANDING INTO SELLING [expired food] OVER THE [internet]

UNFORTUNATELY THE [Big Man]'S ALWAYS [flocking around] THE [cute li'l guys!] LIKE US WHO JUST WANT TO MAKE A QUICK BUCK BY SELLING [Poison], SO TO GET AROUND THE [Office of Rules and Regulations], WE HAD TO MAKE IT [100% INEDIBLE SLIME]

[Please read the fine print] IF YOU AREN'T A [li'l guy] YOU MIGHT NEED TO [press ↓ to crouch]:

[choking hazard: ages 3 and up]
[choking hazard: ages 3 and below]
[choking hazard: age is exactly 3.]

TIRED OF [facial recognition] BUT WANT EVERYONE TO [know who you are]?

NOTHING WORKS BETTER THAN OUR [faithful recreation] OF EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE, [frosted cereal box]

COMPLETE WITH [fine] AND [skin-crawling] DETAILS CREATED BY OUR HARD WORKING TEAM OF [disgusting FREAKS!!!!!!!!!]

LIKE ANY [Big Shot] OF COURSE I HAVE MY OWN LINE OF [scented perfumes], THE [ladies & gentlemen] WILL BE [gagging],

    for!

THIS [olfactory experience] IS SURE TO TURN [Heads and tails] WHEN YOU GET [Thrown out the window ] FOR LIGHTING IT IN THE [in-flight restroom]!

WHAT COULD IT POSSIBLY [smell] LIKE? GLAD YOU ASKED !!! THAT, MY FRIEND IS AN [Industry secret], THAT I WILL[hopefully never know].

[Potassium]

LET'S BE HONEST [folx]. [Fluff] SELLS. AND WHO HAS MORE [fluffey], [scringley] APPEAL THAN EVERYONE'S FAVORITE [HIGHLY-marketable] [That Guy].

[Dress him up!!] IN THIS ONE-OF-A-KIND [nurse costume $9.99] AND HE WILL MAKE YOUR [boo-boos] GO [bye-bye]!

BUY NOW AND IN OUR [Specil Deal], HE WILL ALSO MAKE YOUR [baa baas] GO [bo bo]!!!!!

IT'S THE YOUR BEST [$#&*]' HEART LOCKET

EVER WISH YOU COULD [carry and cuddle a little] SPAMTON [All Day] SO YOU WON'T BE [[ alone in the garbage ]] FOR SNACK TIME?

SOMEONE [hitting on you] AND YOUR [boyfriend] AND WISH YOU COULD SHOW THEM A PICTURE OF YOUR [hotter boyfriend] SO [ no one will ever find you attractive] AGAIN??

THIS [Heart-shapedObject] IS THE THING , [For you!], A TRULY UNIQUE CONCEPT, A [commemorative locket] BETWEEN THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTERS, [Me] AND MY [Person who gives me money]

IS THERE A [Mr.] or [Mrs.] IN YOUR LIFE? HAVE YOU EVER [Seen one before]?

THEN [Your worries are over]! SPAMTON IS HERE TO [Save Your Marriage].

THIS [commemorative cutting board] WILL HELP [introduce your partner to a new and spicy stage in your relationship], WHETHER YOU ARE [already married], LOOKING TO [immediately divorce], OR NEED TO USE THIS TO [propose].

NOT READY FOR THE [next stage] YET? JUST USE IT AS A [threat] TO SAY SPAMTON'S GONNA TO BE [Mr. Player 3] IF THEY DON'T [cook more]!!

AS AN ADDED [bonus], WE WILL PROVIDE A [red correctional marker], SO IF YOUR RELATIONSHIP GOES [South of the Border!], JUST CROSS OUT THE [Mr.] OR [Mrs.] [as needed]!

STEPPING OUT OF THE [Watering Hole] BUT ONLY A SINGLE TOE GOT [so delicious and moist]?

SPAMTON [Industries] IS HERE WITH A UNIQUE    ,!

[PIPIS] BATH RUG

MADE OF [101% naturally 0rganic] [PIPIS] FIBERS, THERE'S ONLY [1] SO HURRY AND [Get it now before it's too late]!

HURRY! THERE'S STILL ONLY [1]! NO! [they're multiplying...!] [they're multiplying...!]

[look your stylish best] AFTER A REFRESHING [salad dip] IN THE [burning acid] ! ALSO WORKS WELL FOR COMING OUT OF THE [five star private bathroom] AFTER GETTING SWIRLIED IN THE [commode], OR BEING PUSHED INTO THE [private pool] BY UNGRATEFUL [swine] !

WE ARE PROUD TO ANNOUNCE SPAMTON [fungibleToken].

IT TAKES THE FORM OF A [specil] PHYSICAL [inedible paper] THAT ONLY [1] PERSON CAN OWN. THAT'S RIGHT [and there's more]! POSSESSING THE [holy object] GIVES YOU [SOUL] OWNERSHIP OF IT, MEANING IF YOU USE ITS LIKENESS IN YOUR OWN [creative project], WE WILL KNOW EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE WHEN WE NEED TO [sue the pants off] YOUR SORRY [a$$]

NEW AND UNIQUE [bleeding edge technolongy] WILL ALLOW IT TO BE [crocs compatible] WITH ALL OF YOUR FAVORITE GAMES, SUCH AS [putting it on the wall], [darts], [folding], AND BEST OF ALL, [forgetting you own it]!

LIKE ANY [a cr3dited motivational speaker], I AM CONSTANTLY REQUIRED TO ANSWER QUESTIONS FROM WORTHLESS PIECES OF [$#&*]

I WILL BE ANSWERING AT LEAST [5] QUESTIONS SELECTED FROM MY [loving audience], TO BE PRESENTED ON MY SOCIAL MEDIA

THE QUESTIONS WILL BE CHOSEN [randomly] AND [fairly], [Prioritizing the rarely heard voices of those that have the] MOST FOLLOWERS TO HELP ME [G4IN SUBSCR1BER]. REMEMBER, I'M MORE LIKELY TO ANSWER QUESTIONS THAT DON'T [challenge me] IN ANY WAY, ARE [blatant praise], OR ARE [$#@%ing useless]!

SO HOW ABOUT THAT [Pipis]? HOW ABOUT THAT [sp0rt] OF THE [Pipis]?

I KNOW SOME OF YOU KIDS OUT THERE LIKE [Hours of free Sp0rts Entertaiment!] SO HAVE I GOT A DEAL THAT'S [sweet Sunday creme] TO ANY SELF RESPECTING [Ball Nut]!

IN THIS [Specil Deal], I WILL DECLARE YOU THE WINNER OF THE [Pipis] [championship], AND YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO [$%#] A SINGLE THING!

GO AHEAD, KID. SHOW OFF YOU'RE [Big Shot] WITH THIS ONE-OF-A-KIND [commemorative ring].

... DON'T LIKE IT? DON'T!?!?!? LIKE IT!?

GET HITCHED TO A [BaseBall] YOU [Snake]!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOTHING SAYS YOU ARE A [Big Shot] LIKE A [Pr3mIUm luxjerry w4tch], ANTIQUE FROM A R[itch] AND [powerfull] [ itch]

REST ASSURED, OUR MERCHANDISE IS [100%] [Authentic, Faithful Recreation] OF[stolen goods]

NEED PROOF? THERE LIES THE NAME OF THE [angel with the tattered wings]!

KRIS!!! [L@@k]!!! I TURNED MYSELF INTO A [Cube]

I TURNED MYSELF INTO A [3D Photo Motivational Glass Cube] AND NOW I'M [frozen in there] WITH SOME STUPID [Famous Genius] I'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M [trapped together in one room, and the door won't open until they]

[Hurry now]!!! [Blink] AND YOU'LL MISS    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANOTHER [faithful recreation], THIS TIME OF EVERYONE'S FAVORITE [all-ages Beverage Choice!] JUST LOOKING AT IT, YOUR EYES CAN ALMOST [Taste That Smooth Flavor] OF [Die]!

STILL FRAGRANT WITH [smoking hot a$$] FROM [Her Royalty's Personal Collection], IT WILL ONLY [gaining value] WHEN IT BECOMES A [specil collector's item] AFTER I [replace her NOW!]! HAHA! [replace her NOW]! HAHA!

AS A [Specil Bonus] IF YOU [Break Glass In Case Of Emergency] YOU CAN HAVE [unrestricted access to the HOTTEST] [second-hand kiss] FROM ANY [Dead Pharaoh] FOR [50 Miles around]! NOW THAT'S [Value]!!!

WHAT BETTER WAY TO [pronfess your love] TO SPAMTON THEN A [limited edition musical snow glob] WITH EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE FAMOUS [skeleton]!

AND [Yes]!!!!!!!! THE [Song] IS , OF COURSE , JUST THAT [TOP 100 HIT] [By the Classics You've Come To Expect]!!!

THAT'S WHY

THAT'S WHY WE CAN'T [legally show the image] RIGHT NOW. THAT'S WHY THEY'RE COMING TO [kill] ME RIGHT NOW. THEY'RE COMING TO

HOW DID THIS GET HERE!? REAL [Whirligigs]!? WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING!? WHERE GOING TO GO [double bankrupt] IF YOU GUYS KEEP [eating too much fruitcake XP]!!!

STOP!!! DON'T [win] THIS!!! YOU'LL [take it all]!!!

YOU'LL TAKE [everything I have].....

SHOW YOUR DEVOTION, YOUR [defication] TO THE ONE YOU LOVE MOST WITH THIS [Commemorative Ring]

IF YOU PROMISE ME YOUR [Heart-shapedObject] I CAN PROMISE YOU AN [HonestMan] WHO WILL ALWAYS BE THERE TO [SCREAM] [It hurts! It Hurts!]

[What's yours is mine] AND [What's yours is mine].

DON'T LIKE IT? DON'T LIKE IT!?!? THEN DON'T WORRY, LIKE ALL OF MY [commemorative Rings] JUST SLAP IT ON ANY [hochi mama] AND THEY WILL BE YOURS!!!

YOU JUST NEED TO CHANGE YOUR NAME TO SPAMTON.

IT'S [engraved].

LIKE ANY SELF-RESPECTING [Big Shot] I HAVE AN [army of crazed fans] WHO LOVE ME NOT JUST BECAUSE OF MY MASSIVE [Fame], BUT ALSO BECAUSE OF MY MASSIVE [Ass]

HAVE A [Long and Refreshing] [sleep knowing that wanted criminals could be right next to you and your family?]!

LET YOUR [Unhealthy attachment] TO YOUR FAVORITE SALESMAN [Fester]. THE MORE YOU USE IT, THE MORE YOU'LL REALIZE [night sweats and rashes may occur. Call a doctor immediately]

Spamton...

Aren't you just sick of him?

Why does he get all the attention?

Why should he be so special?

He wasn't any better than any of us.

What do you think...?

Let's buy Spamton's silence, permanently.

Let's get him out of this place once and for all.

Don't you think it's about time someone else got the spotlight!?

Or... should he stay free?

Let him live his lucky life.

Encourage him... be happy for him.

After all, are we really any better...?

Hm.

Spamton's fate... is in our hands.